I have no idea how to start this post. When a new year hits, I’m usually so excited to write my reflection about the 365 days that came prior and what the experiences that came along with them meant to me. I haven’t been on this blog in far too long, but I was going through things—things that are scary to talk about and that I’ve spent the past month trying to block out of my mind. That’s the best thing to do, I think.
I feel like I’m being a bit cryptic, but as always, I’m just typing exactly what comes to mind. Here’s some info. As you know (and if you don’t, read this), I moved to Los Angeles, California to start my first job out of college at my dream show, Entertainment Tonight. The last thing I posted on here is that I was looking for housing. I thought I was lucky. I found an affordable room for rent in a nice house in a well-off neighborhood in Burbank with a dad, his two kids, and two other women to whom he rented rooms. I was living with a family. I was comforted by that. If you’re thinking the situation is weird (which a lot of people did) you’re right. I had no idea what was in store for me.
The six months I spent in that house (or jail as I call it) were the most complicated months of my life. I was new to town, I just started a job and I was trying to make friends. I was generally happy and excited. However, the man I lived with wanted none of that for me. In fact, he asked me to quit my job and become a nanny for him within two months of moving into his house. It went from “Do you want to grab dinner with me and the kids?” to “Are you free? No? You can’t change your plans? I want to take you to a nice restaurant.” He wanted to control me. He didn’t like when I said no, he didn’t like when I didn’t text him back, and he went as far as making me send him smiley faces when I texted him because he’s “sensitive.” He tried making me his nanny and arm candy, and I was having none of that.
I could write a lot more, but I don’t want to give my grandma a heart attack. Also, there’s no point. People ask why I didn’t up and leave. It comes down to money and timing. Luckily, time was on my side and my co-worker-turned-roommate needed a permanent place right when I did, and now I reside in a decent apartment in a fantastic neighborhood with an awesome girl, right down the street from work. I am so happy now. I don’t feel like I’m lying to my family anymore. I don’t feel trapped. I don’t feel scared. I am ecstatic. Free. Full on adulting and proud of it. I have new coworkers and friends who really supported me through the last few months and for that I am eternally thankful.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” has been on repeat in my head for months. That really describes 2019 for me. It tested me like I never thought I would be tested. It was a year of transition. There was no deep meaning behind it like I found within other years. It was the year I work tirelessly to earn my master’s degree and join the “real world.” That’s it. If I had to take one lesson away, though, it would be that I can handle ANYTHING life throws at me. I honestly already thought I could, but everything I fought my way through the last few months really confirms that.
Yes, the new year started, but not for me. January 2020 was a bit of a limbo month for me. It was a period of moving and doing all the fun things that come along with it, working extra hours and a lot of reflection. I had to figure out how I wanted to deal with the mental abuse I went through, how to express it to my friends and family (some of who still don’t really know what happened) and just how to move on. I also went back and forth in my head about what to even write on this blog, something that means so much to me. I couldn’t type anything until I felt okay. So I gave myself the first 31 days of 2020 to figure all that out, and here I am.
My life is so much better than it was just a month ago. The last month hasn’t been easy, but feeling myself become myself again is so freeing. I lost the stress weight I gained, I hung out with my friends more than I ever have while out here in California and I started singing and dancing around my room like I normally do. It feels so good.
I am running into 2020 with open arms, hopeful for fulfilling experiences and new opportunities. I am thankful for my extremely supportive family and friends and for being healthy and safe. I’m going to pick up on this blog where I left off—finishing up talking about my journey out here. I can’t wait to get back home, to this blog. My oasis on the internet. Happy 2020 everyone. I’m wishing you all a happy and prosperous new year.